


'I can't carry this anymore, heavy from the hurt inside my veins'

by Mercury_Writer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Peter Parker Angst, READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING THE FIC, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:13:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercury_Writer/pseuds/Mercury_Writer
Summary: After Peter Parker was bought back from the snap he wasn't the same as he was before, but wishes he was. Life was a blur, nothing but pain. He could remember everything, the pain of being torn apart and being trapped in the soul stone. He couldn't go on so decided to end his life.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	'I can't carry this anymore, heavy from the hurt inside my veins'

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING- THIS FIC CONTAINS SUICIDE AND SELF HARM, IF THESE ARE TRIGGERING FOR YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ

Most of the people who have come back from the snap have re-adjusted to normal life, but not Peter. No-one else can remember it and no-one else felt it. But Peter did. He remembered what it was like in the soul stone, the loneliness, the never-ending darkness. It was like hell, if not worse. Peter remembered the feeling of being turned to dust, of having every atom of his being pulled apart. He feels numb all the time. Nothing feels right anymore. He tries to move on, be happy like he was before but he can't, it feels wrong. He'd do anything just to feel something, just to feel normal again. 

Life passes by like a blur, school and home all one blur of nothingness. People keep asking how he is and he says he's fine. He lies and most the time people believe his even though his mask sometime slips. He just doesn't even know where to begin to say how he feels, he tells no-one. He barely sleeps or eats, his brain and body constantly tired. He tries to act okay in front of Ned. MJ, May and Tony and it works most the time. On the outside he's fine but on the inside, he's dying, screaming out for help that he can't get because no-one will understand and no-one can help him. 

After a few weeks of numbness, he begins to cut himself as a desperate attempt to feel something. It works and its relief for Peter, so he keeps doing it. Lucky for him his body heals quickly so no-one notices, although after a while his body struggled to repair itself quickly due to exhaustion and not eating properly. It becomes like an addiction; he craves the feeling and has to do it. He knows he should stop but he can't. 

Before the snap he never really suffered panic attacks, maybe a few anxiety attacks but nothing like the panic attacks he has now. Now, they're a regular occurrence, almost every day. And nightmares haunt him, plaguing dreams and making him scared to fall asleep. He flinches at the lightest touch sometimes as the memories shadow his mind and the feeling of being turned to dust lingers all over his body. 

Life becomes hard to live for Peter; he wants to be the boy he was before the snap. Happy, almost carefree, able to laugh and have fun. All this seems impossible for him now, almost alien. He wants to be happy, but he can't be. He feels trapped. Trapped in a world he doesn't feel he belongs in anymore; he wants to go. He begged and pleaded to Tony that he didn't want to go; now he wants nothing more than sweet release from the so-called life he lives now. 

He can’t even think about the future, it makes him fill with panic and dread because he doesn’t want one. He hates the thought of living, growing old then dying. He wants it all to end now. He can’t see anything getting better, only getting worse, how he feels now doesn’t improve he can’t forget, can’t move on. He spirals, verging on a panic attack when he just thinks a few months or a year ahead. He has to push those thoughts away, not bearing to contemplate the future. Life suffocates him. He can barely breath- he pushes through but he’s drowning- desperately pushing for the surface but the waves are gradually pushing him further and further down until one day he’s fully under and there’s no way back. 

Peter Parker was found on the 12th of July 2019 by May in their apartment. He’d taken an overdose, knowing his body would not be able to force the pills out of his system because his body was too weak from exhaustion and Peter not eating properly. 

He left a note, saying how sorry he was but he had no choice- he couldn’t go on living. Nothing was getting better, all he felt was pain and fear and panic, it was all consuming and unbearable. He explained how after he was bought back, he remembered everything, the feeling of being ripped apart ghosting all over his body almost constantly. The memories clouding his mind, stalking him. He explains how he tried to be okay, tried to be they boy he was before but he couldn’t. He apologised again at the end of the note to everyone for letting them down and being weak. 

May and Tony both blamed themselves for not seeing just how much Peter was suffering and for not helping him. May was inconsolable, she had lost her entire family, leaving just her. Tony was almost the same, he was drinking again to try and help him forget the pain, but nothing could mask the pain of losing his son. 

On the 19th of July 2019 Peter Parker as laid to rest, finally at peace. The final victim of Thanos and the infinity war.

**Author's Note:**

> This was quite dark and sad, sorry about that.


End file.
